About three times a year I sink into a pit of self wallowing despair and loathing of life, today is one of those days. I felt odd last night, I went to my aunts for dinner but had not been there longer than half an hour when I had to excuse myself and go home again. I knew it was early depression onset but hoped that it wouldn't go away - it didn't.

I had a lovely dream last night, I was lying with a guy, just lying. Plain, simple, no erotica, just holding each other. Then I woke up, realised it wasn't real and its really upset me. I'm sure part of it is Valentines, which I hate anyway because I won't be told when to say "I Love You" by companies looking for commercial gain. But it sure hasn't helped my mood.

This seems to be a vicious cycle. I have a deep need for companionship, I'm tired of being lonely, but I've been that way for so long that I've forgotten how to go about getting rid of it.

I'm going back to my pit of despair.