Ellen – wonder woman, great friend, ambitious professional, liar? Strictly speaking its not lying as she simply didn’t tell me, or any of our friendship group about a recent jaunt she took to Iceland with an ex boyfriend. I knew she was still seeing him on a kind of intermittent, when she needed the touch of a man, sort of way but I, nor anyone else had realised that it was perhaps developing into something much more again. Of course, this whole thing wouldn’t be of any significance at all if the ex was a well loved and respected one, but he isn’t, he treated Ellen like dirt and though she too can have a fiery temper when pushed, on at least one occasion she got hit. But it got me thinking about why she didn’t tell me. Is it because she’d think I’d judge her, and if so, where is the line between judging and caring? 

At the remarks that other friends have made to her since finding out I can sure see why she chose not to initially tell anyone, but surely she did this because she, in her heart, knew that we wouldn’t approve. But of course, it is impossible to tell what goes on behind closed doors and you only hear “he’s done this to me”, “he’s horrible”, “he hit”, you don’t hear the good things, the rosy times, those extra special occasions. But how can you make sure you don’t overstep the caring friend mark into the “I’m judging you, what you’re doing is wrong” area. We are still trying to be friends, to reassure, to comfort but perhaps saying what is really on your mind simply closes the lines of communication for future times and before you know it your best friend is having trips to Iceland that you don’t even know about and lying about where she’s been and what she’s done! It’s a difficult situation, a grey area and I don’t know about you, but when it comes to me, no one is actually ever good enough for my best friends which always makes it that much harder when trying to have unbiased intimate discussions.

Wow. I have helped a few of my friends pack their house up in order to leave an abuser, just to have them return again to that situation. For one of them i KNOW she returned because she just thought she couldn't do any better than the guy - and that she deserved what she got (that it comes wiht loving someone). The other that returned had in fact, not totally shared all of the information with us. I would never say hitting a woman is ok, but when she strikes first .... more than once .... when is enough enough?

regardless of why the girls chose to go back, I was VERY resentful for the fact of being there time and time again for them and they just gave in and returned. it is a HARD thing to deal with.

fact stands .... if he strikes - physically or verbally .... he does not repsect her.

ask her this ..... if YOU (as her guy friend) struck her one night - would she forgive you? would she stay friends with a beater?

I would hope she respects herself enough to say no.... she deserves more.

remind her that HE is standing in the way of her finding the true man is was made for.

My best friend is also in a similar situation. And I'm wondering how do you know when you are crossing the line of caring/judging? It's really sad that people subject themselves to way less than they deserve! I sincerely hope things work out for your friend!