When it comes to matters of the heart I’m the first to admit I’m a total screw up. Butterflies, yearning and nervous fits of laughter are kept under strict lock and key never to see the light of day for I know only too well the state of mind that I end up in. Normal, everyday folk, like Nik turn their flights of fancy into excitement, rollercoaster journeys, nothing to be depressed about, indeed, something put a spring in their step, a smile on their otherwise downturned faces. Not me. The instant a seed of fancy enters my heart I go into meltdown, my brain whirs into a chronic state of overdrive, and before long I’ve taken to my bed, curtains drawn, lights off, a state of misery. And what’s even worse is that I know it’ll happen and I haven’t yet worked out how to stop it! 

That seed has started to unequivocally germinate in my heart and I’m back pedalling as fast as my legs will go. He’s shorter than me, blond and cute as can be and thankfully he’s gay, unlike the ridiculous situation I managed to get myself into a few years back when I decided to throw myself, caution and dignity thrown to the wind, at an 18 year old straight guy! Sod the bells, I should have had bloody fog horns booming, and as you can quite imagine, it went tits up….where else could it have gone! Even worse I decided to tell him when I was stuck in the middle of the Ecuadorian jungle, no escape route planned, and weeks but what seemed like years ahead of me before we could part ways. It was not a well thought out plan….but then hearts are never rational. 

The latest beau is partnered up, another case that will end in tears….why can I not actually just take a straight forward route (other than the celibate state I’ve been in for several years which is not without its own fraught problems)?? I seemed to damn myself for eternity. Mr Yoyo keeps drawing me home, I back pedal a little more, get myself out of danger, and just when I think the coast is clear, there he is again, one tug on that little heart string and I’m pinging back towards him. I must be strong willed, I must not let myself fall into this precarious and obviously dire situation, I must must must pay absolutely no attention to my heart. 

That said, after a few drinks at the summer party this Friday, I have a nasty image of my heart leaping out of my mouth, a weekend of hell and a beetroot worthy embarrassing encounter on Monday morning. Let the good times commence!

I've noticed that, particularly with gay guys, the great ones are snapped up.... I meet these lovely guys and I know that they'd get on great with my single girlfriends but, damn, they're gay, and, damn, they're in long term relationships... But then again, it means I know lots of good-hearted gay guys in long-term relationships who are fulfilled and happy - I see no reason why you shouldn't eventually achieve the same.