It was with surprise that yesterday T made an appearance back into my life. I never really understood why he went out of it in the first place so the gaydar message that popped into my screen yesterday was a nice surprise. For those of you that don’t know what gaydar is, it’s a “dating” site for gay men, though underneath its shiny and welcoming exterior it’s actually a seedy, sex driven place where most are only after one thing. My past hermiting ways meant that I liked to at least pretend that I was still part of some kind of community, and if I wasn’t getting attention from guys out on the scene, in bars, in clubs, I at least got a few messages that made me feel as if I was still desirable. I must admit that past days have seen me having random hook-ups with this site, its simply so easy in the gay scene – you message someone saying what you’re up for, they never take offence and more than often they reply and presto, you have an afternoon of random passion with a complete and utter stranger. Sordid – yes, exciting – yes, relationship building – Hell NO! 

However, I must admit that I met T through gaydar and after calming myself down and realising that the only way I’d actually get a relationship was not to jump into bed with the first penis that messaged me, we went on a couple of dates and it was great. The problem is this – he’s a lovely man, you write the list of things you want from someone and he ticks most boxes. He’s attractive (and he’s 12years older, nearly 40 and still hot!), he’s fairly wealthy (owns a penthouse in East London and also time shares a chalet in the French alps), he’s a writer and is ambitious to take it to screen writer level, he’s a calming influence AND he didn’t try and jump into bed with me, even though we did indeed end up in his bed after one date – and I can tell you, if I’d have had it my way I’d have another number on my list!! Yet, after 4 or 5 dates he drifted out of my life and I never really knew why. Where was the spark? Where was that passion? It couldn’t have possibly been there otherwise surely I would have tried harder to make it work?

And then, I get this catch up message from him, saying he can’t believe he just let me disappear out of his life like that. Saying he’d love to catch up with me when he comes into London. And I really would love to see him again, perhaps this time will be different, perhaps we were in the wrong place last time, but can time stop or start a spark that might not have existed in the first place?! I guess there’s only one way to find out, better logon to gaydar!