It is with quiet contemplation that I sit here tonight wondering about my life. I am the King of having many strings to my bow, some would say it was fickle, that I was unsettled, unfocused and constantly searching, I would say in a blind naïve response that I was simply being multifaceted. It is with natural talent that I flit from one thing to another, never staying for long in one job, one zone, one temperament…what am I looking for? Something to complete myself, something to make myself genuinely and truly happy? That missing piece in that grand puzzle of life? Or is it simply that I am fickle by nature and it is a characteristic downfall of myself that I cannot complete anything I start? 

I cannot say for one minute that I flit because I am not happy…true, there have been times where I have made changes for the better in my life, decided to take spontaneous shifts in direction but to this day I do not regret these. I knew that something had to change, and I did it. But on the whole, I can say that I am quite quite content….but is this enough? 

I am currently (even this indicates that my mind is wandering to another, a different future) self-employed as a gardener, I work outside with nature, I choose my hours, my clients, my terms – it couldn’t be better. I also work freelance for ITV, I get to know the industry, I get a chance to forge a career for myself, I have my foot wedged firmly under the door of the media world and again, am positively glowing at this aspect of my life. Yet, it only takes 6 months or so and I’m twitching, my feet are tapping and I moving again, at high speed, in some relatively opposite direction, all plans laid to waste, starting over in a new world. But it doesn’t stop here….it crosses the borders to my personal life too….my plans are started with great hopefulness, my allotment, my ice skating, volleyball and I love it, when I’m there, doing it, taking part, I’m engaged, but take me out of the situation and once again, my mind is wandering off the path, slipping down the verge and off into a place of unorganised chaos. But why? Is it that I simply need to persevere with things, understanding my character, is it actually this that is the real challenge that life is throwing me? Or is it deeper? Is it that dread of failing, of not being good enough, at taking pride in ones work or achievements only to be shot down by strangers who really have nothing to do, and should not be taken notice of in a given situation? 

My optimistic streak very strangely continues and for the time being I am happy to conclude that it is in fact my lack of perseverance, that I should stick to the track I have chosen for longer, that I should give life a chance to develop, to bloom, to reap the rewards. But we only have one life, a life that shouldn’t be filled with regrets, and I wonder, how much time should it take before we cut and go?