Something absolutely amazing happened to me today. It was about 2am and as usual I was fidgeting about the house, cleaning here, TV for five minutes, checking facebook, emails, I really couldn’t settle. The one thing that I uncontrollably wanted was chocolate! I couldn’t sit still and all I could think about was trying to find a shop that was open where I could feed my need.

I have been very good for the past month or so, dropping the chocolate intake considerably. My maximuscle diet plan means that really I shouldn’t eat any at all, but a serious reduction is still a great step so I allow myself a little nibble here and there. Compared with the 250g bars that I used to munch in one go I’ve certainly cut down! I knew that really I shouldn’t eat any, that I didn’t need any, but of course, my self control in this area is severely lacking.

I decided to try and quench my need with a cuppa, I know, nowhere near what I actually lusted for, but I thought with something in my stomach it might reduce that feeling and what would you know – sitting next to the PG tips was a box, yes, a WHOLE UNOPENED box of Lindt Lindor Chocolates. I couldn’t believe it. I must have been given them for my birthday last month which means they’ve been sitting there, in plain view for near-on a month!! How I’ve not noticed and guzzled them before I don’t know. A cuppa and a couple of chocs later I was a very happy hermit, I hadn’t even needed to leave the house!!

I made up for the indulgence today with an extra long run just to burn off the calories – please, don’t have visions of me running the streets, fields, or even a gym, I bought a treadmill so I don’t even need to leave the house to exercise!

And the feeling, I mean yes these chocolates had been paid for at some point, but the feeling when I found them, completely unexpected, completely by surprise was wonderful! And that feeling didn’t cost me a darn thing.

In other news I was watching the triumphant victory of Murry VS Gasquet earlier and it was quite tremendous. It was if we were actually watching a final when Murry came back from 2 sets down to win the match. He might be one of the most unfortunate tennis players I’ve ever seen with his looks, but he can sure know’s how to hit a ball. It’s only unlucky that he now faces the powerhouse that is known as Nadal, if he comes through that then I’ll certainly need some chocolate!!

What on earth was I rambling on about last night?! That's what a triple bill of Sex and the City and half a box of Lindt Lindor Chocolate's do to you - they're dangerous, stay away!

Another quiet day for me. I've lost a few of my gardening clients due to holidays and illness so I need to drum up a little more business, that or what i'll probably do is end up slobbed on the sofa with the tennis. Goodo!

It is true that to my friends and family I am considered a hermit and that is how and why they love me. I do not go out much, I can stay in my home for days without seeing anyone, and I rarely venture out of the immediate area. I do not date, I do not love, I do not have hook-ups. I hate office politics to the point of becoming self-employed so that I can spend my days without work-colleagues and the constant need for idle chat and pleasantries. I avoid visitors when they come knocking, I screen phonecalls to avoid unwanted conversations and I stay up, endlessly into the night, creating vivid and imaginative stories about my yet to be lived future. 

But am I lying to myself? Deep down is there the constant need to break out? Do I, like the non labelled hermits in life, really crave love and attention? And the real question – am I really happy? 

I am content with life, of that I am sure, but that is altogether different from being happy. On the rare occasion that I do venture into the real world, go to a bar, a club, the theatre, a party, I find myself having an odd feeling of excitement. It burns up inside me like fire as I try and take in the new scenes, people, atmospheres that greet me. Then there are the occasions when I attend one of these events and within ten minutes find myself locked in the toilet, cursing the reason I came, and trying desperately to think of ways to excuse myself politely without having to admit that I’m freaking out. But have I simply conditioned myself this way? Do I need to strive to break the mould that I created around my persona and start to live? Or is this just me, pure and true, and I should simply carry on exactly as I am? 

It is this that I have been thinking about for many days, weeks, months and possibly years now. Perhaps this is one of the reason’s that I want to move to New York, to kill this life, start fresh, anew, out with the old and in with the new. Am I really just wanting to go there to find love because I can’t bring myself to find it here? Outwardly I am the arch enemy of love, I am the vigil anti of relationships, I teach myself not to believe in monogamy, that it never works, that you cannot truly find one, steadfast soul mate. But do I really believe this? In times like this, how I am feeling at this precise moment, I feel that I do believe in love. That I do believe that I want to find someone, to settle down, to marry. I am ready to make plans, ready to create a new persona, the real me, break down the walls of fear, throw myself onto the ever daunting dating scene and let love sweep my off my feet. 

But, as always happens, I will go to sleep, love will crash to the ground and tomorrow I will wake up, once again the hermit.